My Still Unnamed Composition (Rough Draft Recording)

Where am I?

Sometimes people struggle in times where thinking hurts, and understanding seems too far away to reach. I find myself asking, why am I here? Where is here? Why is everyone around me so closed minded? Sometimes, this confusion turns into fear, like walking on a rope, one small mistake, a misunderstanding turns into devastation. Beginning to realize that people are not who they are and they wear happiness like a mask also adds to the fear of misunderstanding and confusion. Am I being used? Are they telling the truth? Who is telling the lies? Who is biased? Who listens? Who cares? These questions constantly replaying endlessly in my head. My experience in life is probably as little as a 5 year old's experience, but it is what I learn from other's experiences and books that I now understand that there is more to everyone than just smiles and laughs. Everyone has their unexposed identity, their true unexplored selves. They hide it, pretending like they have no care in the world, but if you begin to dig deeper, and question their happiness, you being to find their hidden selves. I do not mean that everyone has a deep dark secret and everything they do is a cover up, but that it is sometimes reflected and hinted in the slightest ways that someone is hiding something, vs. someone who tells you everything. Belonging is a big word, it's meaning is so rich that it often keeps me thinking for days. What is home? Where is home? Who are the people around me? How am I different from them? When you begin to realize that your belonging is merely an illusion, a big fat lie that you have been telling yourself for years, you begin to break away, you begin to open up. You find people who you never talk to, have more in common with who you found yourself to be after breaking the wall of ignorance, the way you view people begins to change. Whoever invented the concept of having a balanced life is simply a fool who lied to himself and managed to convince himself that life can be balanced between family, religion, social life, academic life/ job. It is almost completely impossible to have a balanced life, unless you are lying to yourself. But no matter how unbalanced your life is and not matter what problems you face, only be thankful, look to the people around you, listen to their stories. Your life will in some cases feel meaningless compared to what other people face and you get that boost of motivation to try and underestand them and help them, to have an impact on their lives, no matter how small.

Do You Listen? Can You Hear Me?

Ever feel like no one around you listens? That no one really understands you or even takes the time to? That you can't trust your friends? Like everyone seems to be walking backwards? I think we all go through times where this is truly how we feel. We feel isolated on an island that people think doesn't exist. People make their own judgements and presumptions without thinking. But then you begin to think that people are not listening to you, so you try to listen to them, and try to dissect their layers like layers of an onion. But sometimes you're left pealing the wrong parts of the onion and you basically get nowhere. You think that hey maybe if I hear what others have to say I might see something in myself, or realize something that I never did before. Then There comes other times where you really feel the urge to be heard and you begin to seek the attention of perfect strangers and throw all your problems at them in hopes that they will be better listeners than your closest friends. I guess life doesn't always work according to the "give and take" saying.

"We see the world from our own eyes and refuse to w-i-d-e-n our perspectives and wear someone else’s shoes."

- http://wordypenguin.wordpress.com/

When Your World Comes Tumbling Down

In life we have our priorities, our loves, our family, our friends, and our responsibilities. People of different ages have different priorities and therefore, different problems. Not to complain, I am fully aware that people suffer even worse situations and have to go through extremely difficult lives, but I have come up with a conclusion based on my own experiences these past few years. Firstly, life is like a house of sticks. You spend weeks and months trying to gather up all the materials waiting patiently until all the essential tools are gathered. Then you start building it up, carefully placing one stick on top of the other, each one acting as a support for the next. It is a fragile structure constantly being manipulated and constantly evolving and becoming more stable. When you finally think you have the perfect house, and you think you have reached your highest success and you think you have it all, that is when something happens. The structure, after reaching its climax, as the saying goes, "what goes up, must come down." One mild wind, one stick removed can send the entire structure plummeting to the ground. That is a perfect example of how my life feels right now. I think that over the past few years I managed to convince myself that I had friends and that I was satisfied with what I had. I never actually looked beyond our shallow 2 hour talks on the phone or the happiness that we naively displayed. Though little things, little fights little arguments began to form that deep hallow dark pitch of distrust between the two sides. That impatience, judgment, betrayal, and feeling of isolation and misconception and misunderstanding is what caused that violent storm hoist up the fragile house of sticks and give it that final shove onto the cold harsh ground. We all think its over exaggeration when they say that a book can actually change someone's life, but due to recent events, I would now laugh at those shallow people who think that not true.

That one book from English class, yes who's cover page is not very creative and yes not very inviting, yes, that was the one book I read that actually hit me straight in the head and made me think "WAIT. hold the phone, something is defiantly not right." Just thinking about the author alone and his brilliance is beyond fascinating, the way he was able to paint such vivid pictures and descriptions of the modern world without even living through it. Burning books. I actually wouldn't be surprised if the governments today began to burn books and stop knowledge. Everything in the book that was not actually there during the time the author lived is happening. Impeding our thinking process with ads, commercials, meaningless information. Televisions that are improving to where they are becoming like the Parlor Walls, and where people are picked on for being bright, or smart. Though going beyond those things, this book's main character goes on a journey of finding himself after he made the devastating discovery that he was not happy. In the end he literally lost everything he owned, but he was now happier on the inside, and he was doing what he thought was right, he was being reborn from the ashes.